My Journey, My World As I Live It

And let me tell you.

Antidepressant withdrawl is a major bitch. Especially this week. I thought I had the flu. I thought there was a problem with my thyroid. I thought I needed to stop drinking the two beers I have a week. I thought I might be preggers. It was some scary shit. Turns out, the BF C looks at my bottle and goes “You filled this in April of this year and you have how many left?

There is something not right about this.” True, I have trouble remembering to take my meds. And the bitch about mild anxiety is that you can still get up and be a somewhat normal human being, go to work, and carry out other adult relationships. Until you can’t. Monday I came home from work and took a nap until C got home and I was so out of it I didn’t know what time it was. I had been sleeping for five hours. So researching the symptoms for antidepressant withdrawl, they were identical to what I was experiencing this week: anything from flu symptoms, nausea, extreme fatigue, spaciness, light-headedness, and dizzyness. And I had all of these at some point. So I have to be better about taking my meds.

No wonder I didn’t make major progress with the weight-loss this week. Didn’t gain much, about a half of a pound, but this week I basically came home and slept after work everyday. I was a sloth. That is not like me. I didn’t eat much, because that’s a side effect of antidepressant withdrawl too, appetite loss. I am usually the kind of person that likes to go for a run after work and see what other kind of social activity I can get into later. I didn’t feel like trivia, I didn’t feel like running, I just felt like sitting, and that feels awful.

Thank god C has some experience with SSRIs because I had no idea what hit me. He saw the symptoms right away (since we are basically living together now) and noticed the thing with the bottle and was able to piece things together. But yeah, back on the weight loss wagon this week.

Peace out kids,

Jenn

And today isn’t the day for it. It feels like I should do a fresh start post for the beginning of spring. But the pollen and my job are just making it too difficult to focus on anything right now. I am in a wonderful relationship for the first time in a while and am really just working hard and having fun. It’s hard to settle into anything knowing I’m leaving for OK in the fall but it will also be good practice with living life in the moment and just enjoying each day as it comes. I’m so glad I’m going somewhere in the fall; this CNA home healthcare bullshit is getting old and quite frankly wearing on my very last nerve.

It’s not like I don’t enjoy my clients; I’m just very resentful of a system that doesn’t work and a society that doesn’t value what I value. I tried to explain this to my father today and got very emotional. Why should money be the marker of success? Why should we place a dollar value on care that doesn’t work? Why should the higher ups who quite frankly don’t give a shit about anything except taking care of themselves be the ones who make the decisions for others? And why do these jobs pay so little and expect so much? It’s not like I can change any of this, and if I could I would but it seems like we have a systemic bigger picture problem at hand here.

I don’t like the fact that I am judged by what my parents do, or what I do for that matter. I don’t like the fact that to a lot of these people (clients included) I am no more than a blip in their day filled with ingratitude and thanklessness. And why should I be judged for what I care to do because I don’t make above the poverty line. Why is money the measure of success and why do people become more racist and classist as they age? And why was I told I’d be able to work in a hospital with a CNA certificate when that is clearly a LIE.

Maybe I had a hard day and maybe I’m a bit bitter. My time is limited here, and for that I am thankful. Thankful for the fact that I am out of here in three months, max. I don’t think I’m quite a socialist, but I do think that certain things should be universal. Like healthcare for example. I do think that we should start treating our employees the way they treat us, and place more value on human resources than dollar value resources. Money isn’t everything and we are not incomplete people without it. My brother pisses me off sometimes because he takes for granted how good he has it being at the premiere research grad school in the southeast and earns a salary similar to my first year teaching salary doing research and going to class. Why aren’t there more universities out there that place a value on people that want to make a difference in other’s lives and not just their own. Maybe I sound judgmental tonight, but that’s only because I myself am sick of being judged.